Letters to Raife

From Joe - Raife’s Dad

I started this letter 4 times. There is so much I want to say to you. The Main thing is to tell you how much I Love You! You are one of my four Milli-Children and you always will be! I miss you so much. Certain songs take you back in time. The song ”Convoy”doesn’t take me back not to the 1970s but to taking you to JAWS practice when you was 11 years old. You heard "Convoy" for the first time and told me "Dad that might be the worst rap song ever!" Memories...... There are certain songs that will always remind me of you……Beatles songs and of course Tim McGraw’s “Humble and Kind.” I will miss you and think about you every day and will go up to your gravesite every week and have lunch with you. I always called you THE Raife because that is what you are and are not changing for anyone. I will always remember the last words you said to me when we had our last Portal call, “I Love You Dad.” Those are words that will stay with me my whole life. Until we meet again remember that I Love You! Your Dad

From Liz - Raife's Mom

When I found out I was having twins, I about fell off the table in the obgyn office. I was overwhelmed with emotions as tears started slowly streaming down my cheeks. You see, I was told by my obgyn doctor the day before that because of my blood work results I was probably having a child with Down Syndrome. But he ordered an ultrasound for the next day just to make sure. I wasn’t upset because I felt any child from God was going to be beautiful and loved. As the nurse began the ultrasound, my heart about exploded out of my chest. She began slowly rolling the cold gel on my belly. I wanted to look at the screen but felt compelled not to. After what seemed like hours (but realistically seconds) I remember her giving me this huge smile and saying “well that’s why your numbers are off, you have 2 little pumpkins in there” I can only imagine what the look on my face was when she delivered that unexpected news. I was having so many emotions. Relief, fear, happiness. I remember thinking how were we going to do this mentally, physically, financially….but 5 months later all the answers had been answered. Our 2 beautiful baby boys were brought into this world 20 minutes apart and they were perfect.

They quickly developed their own personalities. Reece was the cuddlier, easy to get to sleep but needed constant attention. But Raife, he was so laid back, loved to observe and just soaked up everything from a young age. I can remember that nap times were always hard for me to get both of them to sleep at the same time when it was just me home during the day. Raife never wanted to nap and was hard to get to sleep at night so it’s no surprise that’s how he rolled in his adult life haha. So often times I would load them in the car, put on some classical music and drive around the neighborhood. To no ones surprise, Reece would basically fall asleep before we left the driveway. When I would catch a glimpse of Raife in the rear view mirror, I could always count on him bright eyed looking out the window moving his head in unison to the sweet sounds of Beethoven. There is no doubt in my mind that it were these daily car rides listening to classical music that gave Raife his brilliant and gifted mind. I have never known anyone like him and probably never will. And it just saddens me that the world never will either.

It took us so long to come up with a name for Raife. We had Reece picked out for a long time but we could never agree on that second name. One day it finally came to me. It fit him so well and there was a divine intervention why I gave the second twin born the name Raife Frederick. It was a unique and strong name just like him. His middle name was my dad’s name which was also special. Grandpa Fred and Raife spent a many car rides where my dad would quiz Raife on addition problems when Raife was the ripe old age of 1-1/2. My dad would say “Raife, what’s 2+3” and Raife would reply without hesitation “5”. This would go on for the entire car ride…my dad drilling him with problem after problem and Raife always knew the answer. It just blew my mind. We knew Raife was special. But we were all so confused when Raife was having trouble identifying certain colors. We finally came to realize he was colored blind…just like his Grandpa Fred was. Yet another sign from God that Raife Frederick was the perfect name for Baby B. I could go on and on about Raife. As he transformed into adulthood it became even more clearer that he was put on this earth to shine. He was so kind and generous. He crossed social lines and went out of his way to make everyone feel special. He loved his family and would have done anything for them. I loved how he was oblivious to material things and didn’t want to burden us financially. He drove a hand me down rusted car with paint peeling off the hood. He never complained though. He embraced his car named “Gabby” and drove her with pride.

As I write this my heart is breaking all over again. So many memories flood my mind on a daily basis. He never leaves my thoughts… nights are especially the hardest as I lay awake thinking of him and his beautiful soul. What I wouldn’t give to hear him up late making food or strumming softly on his guitar….oh how I loved when he played his guitar even though he played at odd hours waking me up. I use to get so mad but now I wouldn’t mind getting woke up every night just to be able to have him here with me again. It’s the little things that you miss and long to have back. I feel the most sorry for his siblings who seem so lost without him…like a piece is missing from the once perfect canvas that we had painted for the last 21 years. Our family suddenly went from 6 to 5 in a blink of an eye. Nothing will be the same. NOTHING. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays….Will never be what they were. But I will try my hardest to make them enjoyable and fun because that’s what Raife would have wanted. Schnappy The Snowman will live on forever!! As I bring my most cherished thoughts to a close, I can’t help but glance back to the last time I saw Raifey. We had made a trip to New York on Easter weekend. Ryanne, Reece and I had thee best time visiting him. It was Reece’s first time ever being there and Raife was so proud to show him around. From singing New York, New York at the top of our lungs…with leg kicks and all…at Yankee stadium after a Yankee win, visiting the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island, having dollar pizza at Raife’s favorite spot, 2 Bros, Raife hopping the subway turnstiles and opening the gate to let us all thru after a security guard just laughed at us, to watching Raife in his true element playing Twitch and him getting upset with me because I almost doxxed him…I will cherish those 4 days until the day I die. As we were hurrying out the door to catch our flight, I gave Raife a big hug and told him I loved him and in true Momma Milli fashion, told him to change the light in his bathroom. And as I was closing the door, in true Raife fashion, he gave me one of his big huge grins and just shook his head. I will remember that for the rest of my life because that was the last time I had seen my son alive. Life doesn’t always go as you plan.

These difficult times harbor tender feelings untouched by many. But I grasp tightly onto the solace that one day I will see Raife again as I “follow the sun” that he once traveled on his magical trip to paradise.

From Reid - Raife’s Older Brother

Little brother,

It’s been hard for me to find the words for this. There are none to fully describe the pain I have felt since I lost you. You always had such a brilliant way with words so hopefully I can channel some of that into this letter. You are one of my oldest friends. I have more core memories with you and Reece growing up than just about anyone. Even memories that you aren’t in, I still knew in the back of my mind you were out there somewhere. The thought that all memories I make going forward will be without you in them crushes my soul.

Speaking about you in the past tense is something I never thought I’d ever have to do. But I’m grateful that I had you in my life, and that I called you my brother for 21 years. The bond we shared was so special. I’ll miss sending you my Wordle scores and new bands/songs I think you’d like. I’ll miss listening to your Twitch channel while I study because it almost felt like we were hanging out in a way. I worried about you often but didn’t check in nearly enough. I hope you can forgive me for that. No matter how many years pass until we meet again, you’ll always be my little brother in the present tense. I’ll hear your voice in every Beatles song I hear and see your smile in every beam of sunlight breaking through the clouds. It’ll never get easier to live without you, but I know your spirit will always be with me. I hope I make you proud. I didn’t tell you this nearly enough but I love you, Raife.

Your older brother, Reid

From Tanu

From our time swimming at the NYU pool, to playing video games on your stream just a few days before you passed, the memories I have of you will stay with me forever. We weren't the closest, but we shared a lot of laughs and a lot of sorrow. You provided me a sense of comfort when I needed it the most, and I hope I was able to do the same for you. I'm gonna miss throwing the football around at Washington Square Park, playing frisbee, swimming, playing surviv.io, talking about going to the gym together (but never actually going), and most of all: Girls' night — it'll never be the same without you.

Rest in peace,
Tanu

From Anonymous

I didn't get to know you very well until our senior year of high school. However, throughout high school, we shared many classes, and you always had such insightful and thoughtful things to say in class discussion. And you were one of those rare, wonderful people who everyone liked. It was easy to see what a genuinely kind person you are. During senior year however, we were in ethics class together. There were only eight of us, so the discussion was always meaningful, and the class meant so much to each of us. After graduation, I was lucky enough to spend time with you a few times in group hangouts. What has always stuck out to me about that time was one night when just the two of us talked in a tent. It was such a lovely conversation-you were such an easy person to talk to and confide in. And I was so impressed by your courage to move to a giant city and pursue your dreams. Going to college is already a scary experience, not to mention traveling so far away to one of the biggest cities in the country. But even after knowing you for such a short time, I knew if anyone could do it, you could. You were someone who I knew would live a big, impactful, meaningful life. And although I didn't see you much during college, I saw you in the summer of 2021, at Dubois County's Pride event. We painted the community mural and caught up, and you told me your hopes for the end of the pandemic, and how much you were looking forward to experiencing the parts of New York City that had been limited by COVID-19. Your loss is so profound because every person who had the privilege of meeting you knows what an amazing person you were. I hope your soul is happy and at rest.

From Atalie

Raife, Where do I begin? You walked into my classroom with an uncertain yet very chill demeanor. Having had your brother Reid in my class a few years prior, I was exposed to the Milligan humor, but you were different in a quiet funny way. Reid was the loud comedian type that even had an epic fraternity slap go viral. You had such a calmness about you, I’m not sure you could even swat a fly away in fear of knocking it off its daily course. I knew early on you were special, but it took time for you to open up to others. I truly do encounter lots of extraordinary, empathy driven, strong students each year, but you were different (again with that word). You hid your intelligence. Never boastful. Never raising your hand with the correct answer (even though we all knew you knew it). You took everything in and let those around you shine. You spoke when asked but really enjoyed listening to others most, and you never seemed to mind the quiet. There wasn’t an ounce of arrogance about you. Just an open heart and mind. It was refreshing as an educator, but I knew it was also so heavy for you to carry at times. You needed a space and I think our classroom became that for you.

On your first essay assignment you wrote for class, I knew you were going places. The witty, thoughtful humor in your writing, well, it was just beyond. You were beyond. Beyond this place, for sure. The day you found out you were going to NYU was the day I remember seeing joy in your face for the first time and an assurance that you were enough. Before this moment, you had convinced yourself you were going to Purdue. There is nothing wrong with Purdue (even though my family is diehard IU), but you didn’t want that, so we looked for other places that met your wants/needs. You applied to many places, but you set your heart on NYU. You even put it on the vision board I asked you to create. "Positive vibes and thoughts to the universe," I said while you laughed and said you would do it, maybe. Your whole life you have been "different" and you embraced it for the most part, especially in this small town made of wishes to be normal by the masses. You said if you didn’t get accepted to NYU, that would mean you were just average. Oh Raife, you were anything but average. We called NYU from my classroom. We looked at the scholarships, crunched the financial calculators, and made spreadsheets. I knew, without a doubt, you were going to get in because you were destined for great things and bigger places. The day you came in and wrote NYU in huge letters on my board (towering over your list of rejections that you had kept updated for everyone to see), that day, Raife, was joyous. Not just your joy, but mine. That year was a hard and heavy one for you, but that moment was pure joy. It seemed to be a validation of all your struggles and your perseverance. Your classmates celebrated you, and I think in that very moment it was the first time you finally saw the Raife we all saw: special, not different.

When I was called and told about the accident, I immediately called Reid. My heart broke. It was like a piece of my happiness and belief in this world was stolen. Then the guilt set in. You could be at Purdue? Why did I push so hard to look at other places? Why? Purdue is a great school, and you would still be here, right? In my disbelief, I called one of your favorite teachers and told her the news through my sobs and word salad. She quickly reminded me about that day—your joy day. I didn’t want to go to school the following day, but I did. Upon entering my classroom, I was greeted by my NYU teddy bear and the coffee mug you made in NYC that has a clown with a dunce cap on. It reads "in one ear and out the other," which is what I would say to you after you would hear my advice to only twist it or do the exact opposite. "Raifing it" is what we would call it. That reminds me of the time you texted us after a classmate set you up on a date—"I Raife’d that one up I think."

I smile through my tears as I write this because I must be honest right now. I haven’t been able to go to your grave. I’ve driven by several times, but I haven’t been able to stop. I couldn’t do it. I’m so sorry for that. I just want to believe you are studying abroad or doing some amazingly weird and nerdy internship, like working in some genetic research lab testing honey bees in an effort to save them all. I so badly want to not believe there is a world without Raife in it. Yes, we have talked about this stage of grief, and I’m sure you could now educate me on it with all the best ways to help muster through it. Man, do I miss that the most. Raife's answers to life’s hardships were the best. Your ambition was to attend medical school (*free* medical school because that's how we budgeted it on your spreadsheet) and become a psychiatrist. You were going to fix broken people. In losing you, Raife, you left many of us broken-hearted, but you fixed so many with that massive generous heart while on this earth and even after. You were destined for greatness, and greatness you are. You saved and helped so many by being an organ donor, Raife. I was told I get one student like you in a career. I believe that because I don’t think I’ve met another soul like you, but dang, the world could really use more Raifes in it right now. It needs to be Raife’d up for sure. ;) Thank you for being my “one student” Raife, and thank you for being a donor to so many. It reminds us in our brokenness that you carried out your mission to save and fix those that are broken. Mission accomplished. To the one that received Raife’s heart — please know you have the best heart this world has to offer. I find peace in knowing THAT heart is still with us in this world. Just know it beats to its own drum and its weight holds more than anyone can ever measure.

From Cat

One of the first times I met you, we were all playing the pot game (scraps of paper in a pot with questions/dares), and I was forced to rank the people in the room in order of funniest to least funny. I put you next to last, and I said it was because I hadn’t heard you make as many jokes as everyone else. The truth was that you seemed, off the bat, like the nicest person in the group, and because I didn’t really know anyone I just took my chances and hoped you’d take it well. You did – you laughed it off and didn’t make me feel bad. That was the start of me feeling like, in this group I didn’t fit into, I could always talk to you if you were there.

A few memories. You absolutely crushing me at Guilty Gear. Your sincere, infectious joy and enthusiasm for marble league. You doing the worm at parties. When you met Barbara’s boyfriend Joey and kept asking about him. Talking about those crazy cocktails on Tik Tok. Messaging about our state of mind. Interacting on your Twitch stream, your amused patience at my ineptitude – the last time I saw your face. The way you would just, lie on the floor and slide under a table or chair? Sometimes I envision you as this volleyball-playing cryptid eating vegetable dumplings. Other times as you were at the Euphoria party, or in your model photos. You were beautiful in many ways, but my favorite way was just that you were kind.

The last time we texted was the last week of April. We were going to get drinks that weekend, but I had to move it to next week, and next week never came. It feels pointless to apologize. I know I’m not expected to be psychic. But I’m really, really sorry anyway. I would have loved to get that drink with you, and to be your friend. I try to focus on my gratitude that I got to know you, however briefly. I’ve learned a lot from you. Thank you, Raife.

From Gina

I really only knew Raife well in middle school from sharing so many classes together. I remember how ambitious he was that he'd read Game of Thrones. I remember him leaning over during English and asking me to check his colorblind test. I remember that he always seemed to be surrounded in a band of friends, and that he was always cracking jokes for the class. He really does have a heart of gold, and even just as a passerby in his life, he touched me with his kindness, friendship, and laughter. Everyone he knew will always hold a little piece of him in their heart.